Oscar Wilde on temptation:

“…I can resist anything but temptation.”

To which the Old Farmer’s Almanac replied:

“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation - as you grow older it starts avoiding you.”

–
Tempt your friends

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and
check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as
‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will
learn to spell ‘doughnut’without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the
suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is
pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell
Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply
can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
“vocabulary” ). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and
“you know” is unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

5. There is no such thing as ” US English.” We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem,
“God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying
out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday,
but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a
gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and this is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,”
and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will
be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an
experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a
cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There
is only one kind of proper football; you call it
“soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American “football”, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the “World
Series” for a game which is not played outside
of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been
driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated
to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

(John Cleese)

Send it

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

…for those who are sick of those stupid apps and shite

—

spread it

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

We are finally able to go to the final frontier. Sir Richard Branson, President and Founder of the Virgin Group announced the establishment of Virgle, a joint venture between Virgin and Google to put the first human settlement on Mars.

Today Sir Richard Branson and Google announced that they have established a joint-venture to put human settlements on Mars. Virgle, the perfectly crazy name for such a company, was launched today on Google’s official blog. It has been said that today’s technology is actually advanced enough for humans to be put on the red planet, let alone the Moon. The moon is boring. But Mars is cool. Remember Schwarzenegger in Total Recall? I don’t, not most of it. Because it was such a crappy film. But I do remember the kickass scene where he pulls some scanner the size of a basket ball out of his nose! I digress..

Dicky hopes that in “the years to come” Virgle will be sending spaceships to Mars in order for the settlers, or Virgle Pioneers and that Beardy himself will be part of it. Let’s hope he’s also the president! Now that we great, won’t it. What we also need is to have Jeremy Clarkson there as Chief advisor to the president.

Applications are now open for people to become part of this colony. It is by no means an easy task, though. You have to be extremely fit and according to what information I was able to gather, you also have to like algae (there’s not much food there, you know). You also have to be extremely worthy of joining this elite group of multi-talented entourage. For example, the test asks that you are a world-class expert on Physics, first aid and medicine, engineering, and even Guitar Hero II. Of course, when you go to such a desolate planet, apart from putting in the infrastructure, entertainment is extremely important - pivotal, even - to keep the pioneering settlers sane and therefore make the success a mission. I mean, the mission a success.

There are downsides to this though. For example, due to the lack of gravity, telecommunications are severely hampered so if you were in trouble e.g. you were hit by a nitrohydrogen storm, then emailing Virgle Settler Support Centr, or the VSS Centre, would be not much of a help since it takes 20 minutes for an email to get from point A to B. By the time the Support assistance engineers reply, it would have been at least 42 minutes before you get a reply. By that time, it would be safe to say that you have either frozen and turned into space dust, or that you have nothing left on you but your skeleton. It’s simple; keep sight-seeing to a minimal and pay attention to all warning signals as they flash neon on the Virgle Base 1 (pictured below), where Richard and Jeremy sit.

In your five month journey from Earth to Mars, you will have everything you need to lead as normal a life as possible. Aboard the space ship (pictured below) that is currently still unnamed, “supercomputers perform most ship and life maintenance tasks, up to and including games, movies and other forms of trivially simplistic human entertainment”. In the basement is where the kitchen is. There will find “organisms from algae and bacteria to higher plants like wheat, soybeans, lettuce, potatoes, cabbage, chard and carrot, all genetically altered for resistance to viruses and increased soil iron and aluminum content”. Apart from that, you can sleep (there’ll be lots of it, I guarantee you that) safe in the knowledge that your entire journey will be radiation-less, thanks to the unique patented “carbon reinforced polyethylene inner shells and the placement of water and other hydrogen-rich consumables on the outside” that “protects both the human crew and bio cargo from potentially damaging radiation.”

Below is an artist’s impression of what Virgle City (probably a temporary surrogate name) would look like in 2108, if all goes to plan. It’s a shame that we won’t be able to see it, but you never know. Since technology is so advanced now and seeing how much money both Virgin and Google have put into this project, perhaps life-enhancing and life-elongating surgeries may be invented before we die.

Learn more about this exciting prospect at Channel Virgle on YouTube.
—

Tell your friends
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Because I send too many emails. I send about 300 emails a day to friends, just for the heck of it. And when I’m really, really bored, I send about 780 emails. In 2 hours. Whilst sending 426 text messages. People must be really busy, because I never get a reply.

According to the whack job who certified that I am in fact crazy, there are several other symptoms:

• suffering from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed
• an increased need for better equipment
• need for more time to use it
• experiencing the negative repercussions of their addiction

It’s true. I constantly - and when I say constantly, I mean fortnightly - have to upgrade my machine, and because of the process of upgrading it, I can’t use it, and I get really agitated and start pouring washing powder down my throat and throwing feces at my neighbours. This then makes me waste a lot of time, time which I could have used to access a computer.

So you see, I am crazy. So crazy, in fact, it turns me into a middle-aged woman. That picture really is of me, taken by missy13d69. That picture of a dog is actually my pet budgie. She’s got issues, but she’s still my babe. gcphoto took that shot, and was never the same ever again.

If you dare, you can read the original article here.
Disclaimer: The World Of M accepts no responsibility for person turning crazy after clicking the link above. Feces will also not entertained.
—

warn your friends

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

…is advice I wold not take, not even after a heavy night of drinking and magic mushrooms. Sure, you’d get closure, but the sort that comes after the stitches has healed. It also the stupidest book title this year. Actually, it’s official title is the “oddest book” in The Bookseller trade magazine’s competition. If you think I made this up, I did not. Here’s proof (although I am not sure why I need to justify myself):

The runner up in this competition had an equally intriguing, if somewhat disturbingly titillating title:

I was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen. More unnecessary justification:

Others in the competition included:

“Cheese Problems Solved”

“How to Write a How to Write Book”

“Are Women Human? And Other International Dialogues”

In the past, these title have taken the cheese:

“Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice”

“Joy of Chickens”

“The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling”

“Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual”

“Living with Crazy Buttocks”

My favourite is pobably:

“Bombproof Your Horse”

The author sure made some pretty crazy assumptions.

Other non-related stuff, tagged “chicken”

Chicken branding

Mutant Eggs

Grossest gummy candy

—

send friends some crazy

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

…this mirror will be right perfect for you.

The 360 mirror will allow your vain self to look at yourself from all angles.

I foresee many creative uses for this little devil…

(actually, if you look at the reflections, they make absolutely no sense)

Sort-of related:  Tetris mirror

—

show your friends

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Spotted in Putney, London. There’s a surprise waiting for you inside.

Related:

9 Rudest Places on Earth

Humped crossing

Funny Signs Part 1
—

spread it
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Swedish designers Smånsk sure didn’t think so. So they came up with the Skew bookcase.

It’s just a prototype at the moment, but I’m surely it would be manufactured soon. No details on price and availability though. What’s more, it’s Lego-ish, putting some learning fun into bookshelf assembly!

I only hope they come in other colours.

Courtesy of onedeal

Check out the staircase bookshelf, the bed in a bookcase, and Lego USB stick
—

stack it to friends
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

image by Tonsils

Some places are just ruder than others. And here at TWOM, we’ve just discovered, using Google maps, some of the “dirtiest” places in the world. Come on in and see what and where they are, and the number one rude place that sparked the whole thing.

In order of rudeness, the Top 9 rudest places on earth are:

9. Bum, Kandahar Afghanistan

8. Tit, Algeria

7. (tie) Sack, Minsk, Belarus; Sack Fürth, Germany; Sack Seegräben, Switzerland

6. Ass’, Väike-Maarja Estonia

5. Shit, Mazandaran Iran

4. Balls Kinston USA

3. Wank Nesselwang, Ostallgäu, BY, Germany

2. Anus Fouronnes France

1. Fucking, Tarsdorf, Austria

And it all started with:

Good luck trying to keep a straight face whilst reading this article:

You’ll also enjoy:

Great branding sells chicken

Slut for sale $6.25

Farther flatulence

Ham and Pigeon Sandwich

Thanks, Pam.
—

give friends a good laugh

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Some entrepreneurial start-ups are extremely innovative when it comes to naming, like in this post.

It is also rumoured that there is a Ken’s Lucky Fried Chicken somewhere in England.

There’s also an Australian plumbing company called “All Cisterns Go.” Hard to take them seriously, these Aussies.

If you come across brand spin-offs like these, take a picture and share with us here. We all like a laugh.

Running a Flickr “chicken” search I came up with the following interesting pictures:

Related: Cakes, not as you know them

See also: What’s in a iName?
—

brand your friends

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

I just love when people take something we recognise and turn into something completely different.

And I especially like these cakes.

1. Sushi? Me no think so…

…It’s a roll cake!

The image above details the ingredients used. Translation:

(clockwise, from top right)

Spinach sponge, strawberry puree, pumpkin pudding, chocolate, cherry, chocolate cream, yellow peach chunk, crepe, brandied cherries (there’s an Italian name for them, but I just can’t recall it for some reason), sponge.

The seaweed wrap is made of crepe, but in this case is black , and I bet it’s only colouring that makes it black, whilst rice is made of sponge. I have never seen sponge that white before though.

2. Roll of Panda

Ingredients (clockwise, from top right):

Melon/Strawberry sponge, creme fraiche and yellow pumpkin sponge, crepe (as above), chocolate, crepe (as before).

Comes in four flavour, too!

From left: Strawberry, tea, rice, pumpkin.

3. Chocolate bear cake

And this is how it is painstakingly made:

Related:

Nintendo-related cakes

Atari cake
—

share the deliciousness

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

image by bwr

Looks like my