New year resolutions are rubbish


photo by mebabyjd

I do notice that this topic is somewhat outdated, but I thought I’d share with you a new insight. Or a revelation. You see, it’s a scandal.

New year resolutions never work. The reason for it is simple – New Year’s Resolutions are boring and mindless. There’s almost nothing worse than trying to fulfill a resolution, except perhaps being an environmentalist. Or a vegan. They simply never work because they are no fun at all! We make plans to have fun, not to bore ourselves to death. Like planning for a holiday, or planning to get rich – these are planning, they usually have a positive and fun outcome. But resolution, end in pain, suffering, anxiety, arguments and death.

Take someone whose resolution is to quit smoking. First of all; why? I recently cut down because of the astronomical price I have to pay. Death has nothing to do with it. But my god is it boring, I find myself chewing more gun, eating more snacks, and getting fat. My manager once parted with his supreme knowledge: “If you get the munchies when you try to quit, eat celery or carrot sticks.”

I’d rather eat glass.

I digress. Going back to the subject of boring resolutions, here’s a tip for those of you who have yet to make one and still want to: make it a fun one! For example:

1. My resolution is to learn to drive a £100,000+ car (To reduce mundaneness, also think of other criteria e.g. over 500 bhp, acceleration under 4 secs etc)

2. My resolution is to list the 10 best wines I can buy for under £7.50 (To add fun, change 10 to 100. Or 1,000)

3. My resolution is to discover the maximum amount of time a man can masturbate before going blind

4. My resolution is to find out how many times intercourse will happen before a dose of 4 Viagra runs out

5. My resolution is to find the perfect place to retire (the post header images are there for a reason, you know)

With these resolutions, I bet you will have lots of fun, and hopefully will never have to ask the question “How can I achieve my New Year’s Resolution?” ever again.


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