Run, chicken, run. RUN, GOOSE, RUN!

Remember when Jamie Oliver and his gay chef friend went to visit that chicken farm and told us just how bad eating those chickens were? Those guys really should face up to reality. How many people can afford to go free range? Deliberately mistreating an animal like that famous chicken joint (name withheld because I really don’t have money to pay defense WHEN I get sued) that cut off beaks so that they don’t peck each other to death in a barn that has more chickens that Oxford Street has foreigners and irate shoppers.

Yes, I do care for animals but on the other hand, I care for myself more. If Tesco’s going to sell me a chicken for under 2 quid, and I feel like having chicken, guess where I’m going to go. It’s not as if it’s cheap because it was bred with arsenic, it’s cheap because it was reared in a place where they use newspaper for windows. Similarly, I don’t live in a palace – or in a posh area in the London suburbs or the Cotswolds, for that matter. And until I do, I’m going to watch my pennies.

Yes, free range eggs and chickens do taste better. Corn fed chickens from Wiltshire taste even better. But remember that beggars can’t be choosers and these posh chicken cost a lot of money. And not everyone can afford it. I’m sure Jamie (and his lover) can, since he charges half a bloody fortune for a sandwich.

At this point I’m getting extremely heated up so I’m going to stop.

All I want to say is, leave us alone. If we want to buy cheap chickens, we’ll do so. We don’t attack you for buying your oh-so-lovely meats that cost as much as my car. Neither do we attack you for bearing your ass out on TV in front of your kids. We only make fun of your lisp and your hairdo. And your face.

Oh wait a minute, don’t they eat the liver of geese who have been force fed ’til they die?

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