HM Queen Elizabeth revokes USA independence

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and
check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as
‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will
learn to spell ‘doughnut’without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the
suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is
pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell
Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply
can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
“vocabulary” ). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and
“you know” is unacceptable and inefficient form of

5. There is no such thing as ” US English.” We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem,
“God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying
out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday,
but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and this is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,”
and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will
be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an
experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a
cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There
is only one kind of proper football; you call it
“soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American “football”, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the “World
Series” for a game which is not played outside
of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been
driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated
to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

(John Cleese)

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  1. samirdatar

    John Cleese? Hilarious!!

  2. This is the first time I’ve laughed since last night. Thank you.

  3. This is my first time pay a quick visit at here and i am genuinely
    pleassant to read all at single place.

  4. Jeffery Johnson

    Went for the first time yesterday… WOW! The animals are just
    wonderful and the staff as good! The educational tour was easy, informative, and fascinating.
    Oh – the gift shop?? Wanted to buy everything!
    Lots of opportunities to support this great establishment and animals in need.
    Highly recommend!

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