Posts Tagged ‘queen’
To the citizens of the United States of America :
In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
There, I did it. The last time that I’m ever going to swear. EVER….. (on this blog)… Basically, no. I do not believe that a person can die without ever swearing even once throughout his/her life. I do not believe that the pope has never swore in his life. Under his fancy hat, under his breath, in the confines of his room (whatever they call that room), I’m sure he has, at least once, said “****!”. Or when one of the last popes got shot, I bet his last words were “****, the bastard got me.” Or when they uncovered the sex scandals. I do not believe the Queen does not swear. In other words, every sane person swears.
In all my years as a blogger – yep, all 0.6 years of it – I have thought about what I want to do about my blog. I could make money off it by putting porn on it. I’m sure some of my closest friends would be my best customers (you know who you are). Or I thought of making one of that million pixel website, where the guy, on a genius trip, sold every single pixel on his screen for a buck each. Guess how much he made? Hint: A million bucks! I thought that was one of the best success stories for the web. I’d like to see him top that one. I also thought of several other things, but I’m not going to list them here. This is because a) I might do it later so I don’t want them to be hijacked and b) Speaking to some people about some of the plans I had, they’ve described them as ****in’ insane so they don’t belong here (or do they?). So right now, it’s a personal blog thing. But I am in the midst of setting up a semi-pro and another completely pro blog. And I’ve learned that one of the rules of pro blogging is no swearing. So I’ve set my values for all my blogs and one of them is “No swearing”. The principle is: “Wanna Pro Blog? Gotta Pro Talk”.
But that’s cool. Because I can – and will – still swear in real life. As all my friends will vouch, I love swearing as much as dogs love licking their own nether areas. I don’t think there has ever been a day when I did not swear. Although in a not-so-casual sort of conversation, it does show a lack of vocabulary competence, when it’s a casual chat, let the FUCKs fly! It’s so simple and powerful, that just one word in any sentence drives your message home! Here are scenarios when I might drop the F-Bomb:
When something drives me up the wall: FUCK!
When something bad happens: Oh FUCK!
When I hear an unbelievable story: FUCK no!
When I hear something really wonderful: FUCK yeah!
When I completely agree whole-heartedly: Abso-FUCKin-lutely!
When a friend’s in trouble: You are so FUCKed!
When a friend’s in multiple trouble: You are cluster-FUCKed
When the other half calls my full name: Oh I’m FUCKed
When shocked: What the FUCK?
When I’m truly chilled: I’m going to do FUCK all
When incomprehensible: FUCK off
When I walk into a church: Jesus FUCKing Christ
After watching an arty-farty film: What a headFUCK
Of course, these are just examples and if you really want to improve your Fucklish, you should watch this video.
And throughout history, there have been many people who were heard using this exquisite word, and here are some of them. I did not make them up and they have been quoted using various sources around the internet that I have collected over the years. In other words, you’re reading something I’ve ripped off.
“What the fuck was that?”
– Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
– Captain of the Titanic
“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
– John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
– Richard Nixon
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”
– Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!”
“How the fuck did you work that out?”
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
“Fuck the duck.”
– Walt Disney
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”
– Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
N.B. Of course, I do realise I am going to burn in Hell for this post. Either that or I’m going to offend half the world’s population. Assuming I have that many readers. Oh, wait….no, I’m safe!
In Japan, because they don’t speak much English, is where I find an abundance of funny signs. “Please help yourself to the cleaner lady” and “Toilet at your rear”. So you would expect that in the U.K., the home English, the Queen’s language, is where you’d find grammatically correct use of nouns and verbs. But you cannot be more wrong. Because the number of funny signs I have seen in England can put Japan to shame! Exhibit A, signpost at bus stand, Richmond:
This way to Funny Signs gallery